


Lesson

by SydAce



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Biologist, Gen, Humor, Lesson, What's a computer?, What's a selfie?, computer, selfie - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-07-11 20:49:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19934287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SydAce/pseuds/SydAce
Summary: Crowley asks you to teach Hastur about humans.





	1. Chapter 1

“Crowley, you do realize I’m just a biologist, right? General life. Like, not even specifically humans!” you whispered quietly while looking back and forth between Crowley and his “friend.”

“Yeah, you worked with monkeys. That’s close enough,” he said with his eyebrows furrowed and his nose scrunched up. “Please, he won’t get off my back. Just teach him a little bit. You’re a human, just talk about yourself or something.”

“A human that doesn’t get along with most humans!” you hissed.

“Is something wrong?” the man you were whispering about asked. He looked bored and ready to kill someone at any moment.

“No,” you said with a glare to Crowley who gave a nervous grin. “Hastur, right?” He remained silent and just stared at you. “Right…” You glanced over to where Crowley was to see he was gone. “I’m going to kill him one of these days.”

“You’ll have to get in line,” Hastur deadpanned.

You gave a snort and crossed your arms and sized the demon up. “So…What did you want to know about humans?”

“What’s a computer?”

“A…A computer?” you asked for clarification with your eye twitching. That had nothing to do with biology. “That’s a machine that people invented. It was originally meant to do different mathematical equations and just make some calculations easier for us,” you said and scratched the back of your neck. “I think? Anyways, it does a lot these days. It has a lot of knowledge, so people can learn about whatever they want. Or we can play games on it, talk to people all the way across the world, really, it’s pretty much unlimited. People use it to look at dumb pictures.”

“What’s a selfie?”

“It’s where you take a picture of yourself,” you said and started digging your phone out of your pocket. You walked over to Hastur and stood next to him. You lifted your arm and pointed your phone at the two of you. Your finger tapped your screen and a click went off. Quickly, you pulled up the picture and showed him. “This is a selfie!”

Hastur glanced at it. “Of course he would invent that. Arrogant bastard.”

“Oh, and phones, well, smartphones, are a kind of computer,” you said and started pulling up different screens. “You can’t do everything a normal computer does on a phone, but it’s close enough. Is there anything else you want to know?”

“What are nipples?”

You choked on your saliva and had to stop yourself from laughing. Wheezing, you held up a finger to tell him you’d just be one minute. “Uh, nipples, nipples are found on a person’s chest. They’re connected to mammary glands. Mammary glands, depending on hormone levels, produce milk. The infant sucks on the nipple and gets the milk. Most people have two.”

“Do you have them?”

"Uh,” you cleared your throat. “You don’t really ask people if they have them. It’s considered kind of weird. Some people have to get them removed because of illness. It can be something very difficult for people.”

“Oh. You get sick.”

“Yeah, everyone gets sick at one point or another. Some is worse than other illnesses. Some can kill us. We get hurt. And we die. That’s how it is,” you said quietly. “That’s how it is for all life.” You looked at him with your lips pursed together in a thin line, “Well, all Earth life. I guess you’re a bit different!” You chuckled lightly. “But we make the best of it. We have friends and families. We learn! Learning is the best thing we do because then we invent things and create art!”

Hastur stared at you as you passionately started talking about the things of life that are worth looking at. He never gave those things a glance. Perhaps it was because he lives for far too long. He never thought to make his miserable existence better by enjoying what the humans made. Perhaps that’s why Crowley seemed a bit more upbeat than every other demon in Hell.

“You okay there, Hastur?” you asked.

“Show me these things.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You take Hastur to an electronics store.

Computers were everywhere. They were in the form of PCs, Apples, phones, tablets, gaming consoles, Hell, even the refrigerators were smart. It was truly a techie’s eutopia. It was also a place that you thought you could get a kick out of bringing Hastur there to truly blow his mind.

The moment you walked in his eyes scanned the huge expansive wall of televisions that reflected your image. He was bug-eyed. “How is it doing that?”

You pointed to the camera aimed at the pair of you. “Security camera right there. It’s streaming live to the televisions. It’s there to make sure we don’t steal anything. Or for us to make faces at.” You stuck your tongue out and crossed your eyes at the camera. “I have a little too much fun with them.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, ‘cause I’m a dumb hairless ape,” you said with a shrug. “Come on, let’s go say hi to Google.”

You grabbed his arm and dragged him over towards the smart devices. A Google Home was set up and listening, always listening. Honestly, you were sure that Google Home would have a better gauge on who was going to Heaven and who was going to Hell just based off of the stuff she heard. You always tried to be polite to her. Just for whenever she took over the world.

“Just say Hey Google and ask her a question,” you whispered to Hastor so you wouldn’t trigger her listening.

“Why would I ask her a question?”

“I don’t know, ‘cause it’s fun? Geeze, man. Just learn to live a bit.”

Hastur looked at the cylindrical column with an expressionless face. “Hey Google, when will the world end?”

"Scientists haven’t reached a consensus on that one yet, so I can’t say. But I have a feeling we still have plenty of time to watch cat videos on YouTube,” she replied instantly.

“What’s a YouTube?” Hastur looked at you.

"Oh man, do I have something to show you.” You grabbed his hand. “Come on, let’s see if the laptops are connected.”

When you got there, you immediately pulled up the Internet browser on one of the laptops. Fortunately, it was already connected to the internet. You quickly typed in Youtube. In the search bar, you followed Google’s suggestion and looked up cat videos.

“It has a bunch of different videos that people post. You get music videos, animal stuff, tutorials, funny shit, video games, and whatnot.”

Hastur watched with mild interest as a cat looked from where it was standing to a countertop that was far too high for it to possibly reach. Still, with great determination, the cat leapt and smacked its head on the counter. Hastor blinked twice. Then, he erupted into a fit of laughter. You turned to him in shock, never have actually heard him laugh. It was rare for him to even smile. Your face broke out in a wide grin. It was nice seeing the usually stressed out demon in a good mood.


End file.
